How He Loves

I had an epiphany Sunday night at church.  As I stood in a dimly lit sanctuary, surrounded by friends singing out hymns of praise to our one true God, I set the sight of my blinded eyes on my growing awareness of social injustices across our globe.  Silently, while meditating on the great tragedies of our time, I listened to God's people sing, "Oh, how He loves us so. Oh, how He loves us.  How he loves us so."  Their voices were earnest, filled with emotion, filled with acceptance, filled with gratitude.  And as I stood in the midst of a room enchanted by God's love, deep within I felt a voice speak:

"What about them?"

Startled by the question, I began to realize, perhaps for the first time ever, what a truly unique position I am in.  I have lived a beautiful life, I have been raised by a beautiful family, and I have lived a life of freedom.  Thankfully, I have also lived a life cognizant of who God is, what His salvation means, and have become more in-tune with His love with each passing year.  But......

What about them?

What about those who have lived a tortured life?  What about those whose family has posed as their own worst enemy?  What about those who have live a life of slavery, whether it be slave to man, slave to self, or slave to destruction?  And what about those who have never even heard mention of this God who "loves us so"?

Are they any less deserving of His love?  ....   Forget that question.

Is He any less gracious with His love? 

In that moment, it began to become clear to me how incredibly selfish I have been.  For 29 years now, I have been living my comfortable life, comfortably loving my family, comfortably loving and serving my God, and comfortably resting in His freedom. 

Who am I to keep it all for myself?  Who am I to believe whole-heartedly in the healing freedom of Christ, yet do nothing in attempts to bring that same freedom to others?  Who am I to sit in a room, sing about His lavish and unending love, and in turn hoard it all and ignore the plight of millions living in chains, with little opportunity or even knowledge of how to fight for their own freedom?

On the other side of this realization, I am hesitant to be so bold as to say it is a new day.  But, I will at least concede that it is a new tide.

When I was perhaps a junior or senior in high school, I could see that my life could go in one of two directions.  Realizing the fork that was ahead, I remember coming before my Father with this heart-felt prayer:  "Father, it is my desire in life to be an attorney and have a family.  And I can see myself being very good at that.  But I can see myself becoming so dedicated to my career and so involved in my family that I lose sight of you.  So I pray that regardless of where my life would take me, I pray that I will never forsake or lose sight of you.  I pray that my relationship would never stray from you and that I would never put you on the backburner in order to live 'the rest' of my life."

In hindsight, I have no idea where that prayer came from.  But I realized today that ever since that prayer 10-12 years ago, one by one, the Lord has been giving me puzzle pieces that I have unknowingly received and tucked away.  I believe He is now calling me to pull out those pieces and watch as they fit together.  I do not believe I currently possess all the pieces I will need to finish the jigsaw, but like any good student of puzzlery, I am hopeful to believe I now have at least the borders.  And as the borders start to fall into place, I am amazed, encouraged, and even challenged by the picture which is starting to take shape.  Yet my answer remains resolute:  I trust in You, Lord.  May it be as you say.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by.  And that has made all the difference." - Robert Frost.

Yahweh - Reflections on Theology (Essentials Blue)

For:  The Essentials Blue Online Worship History Class with Dan Wilt

In my reading yesterday of N.T. Wright's Book Simply Christian, there was a quote which grabbed my full and utter attention.  In the chapter discussing the nature of God, he says:

"With God's name there is another confusion which we must sort out.  Because God's personal name was not to be spoken, the ancient Israelites developed a technique for avoiding doing so when reading their scriptures.  When they came to the word YHWH, they would say ADONAI (which means "my Lord") instead.  As a way of reminding themselves that this was what they had to do, they would sometimes write the consonants of YHWH with the vowels of ADONAI.  This confused some later readers, who tried to say the two words together.  With a bit of a stretch (and because some letters were interchangeable, including Y with J and W with V), they created the hybrid JEHOVAH."

YHWH, or pronounced Yahweh, was the formal name of God to the ancient Jews; one that commanded much respect and referred to God's deity.  As Wright notes, the name commanded such reverence; Yahweh itself is commonly believed to translate to God, the "I AM".  Adonai, on the other hand refers to the more personal name and nature of God, the more relational side.

It seems such a simple thought, but it blows me away that Jehovah, one of the most common names in reference of God ("Jehovah-Jireh" God the provider, "Jehovah-Shalom" God of Peace, "Jehovah-Rophe", God the Healer, etc.) is a, albeit accidental, combination of His divinity and His relational heart.  Combining the God of the Red Sea, the God of the Great Flood, the God of all creation with the God who comforts me in my sleep, the God who provides for my needs and desires, the God who intimately knows me likes no other and loves me like no other.....  That is a very powerful combination. 

It is somewhat easier for me to sometimes think of God as separate operating entities and to compartmentalize the way He responds to us.  But last night during worship, I simply meditated on the idea of God the I AM as partnered together with God my comforter and provider.  In that realization of how indescribable His awesome power is, coupled with how sweet His loving compassion is, my heart cried out for Haiti and asked that He would move swiftly.

With His mighty power.  With His great compassion.  With His unfailing love.  Yahweh.  Adonai.  Jehovah.  We simply say, "Come."

This is How We Do It

I have decided that the year 2010 will be a year of discipline for me. To coincide with that desire, I will be reading The Celebration of Discipline again. But this time, I am planning on actually finishing it. :) There are twelve corporate and individual disciplines highlighted in the book. My plan is to take one per month and focus on growing that discipline, adding to the disciplines of the previous months. This month is Meditation.

In God's always interesting timing, He showed me something last night through a conversation with a dear friend. In my desire to always "better" myself, I am constantly measuring myself against my own expectations and who I think I "should" be. For example:

I should be a better guitar player.

I should be able to get out of bed at a decent time in the morning.

I should be a better / more disciplined runner.

I should get more out of my quiet times with God.

I should have more consistent quiet times.

I should be able to maintain a healthier lifestyle.

I should be able to understand music theory enough to be able to sit down at a piano and play.

I should be a more dependable friend.

etc, etc, etc.

The result of these "should" statements is that I often wake up disappointed with myself. Disappointed for not waking up earlier, disappointed for missing another morning quiet time, disappointed for putting myself in a position to be late to work. Then, at night, I also often go to bed disappointed with myself for not running that day, not playing my guitar, wasting too much time in front of the TV.... Do you see how fruitless this all is?

Through this conversation with my friend, the Lord spoke to my heart this simple truth:

You are so caught up in YOUR requirements for your life..... where do you stand with MY requirements?

I realized I think more of what I expect from myself, rather than what God desires from me. But He has shown me what is good.

And what does the LORD require of me? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Which sounds a lot more simple than all those other boxes that I've been trying to check off. (Although in an interesting side note, by focusing on my shortcomings, I have been inadvertently overlooking His mercy. By trying to find all these ways to "better" myself, I've been overlooking what God desires. Hmm.) This verse will be the focus of my meditation in January. My prayer is that through this, I will begin to turn my heart more towards the desires of God and focus less on how I fall short of my own desires. My hope is that by simply seeking first HIS kingdom, all the other longings will simply fall into place. This is something I know I can trust because it is something His word promises.

A recent song of John Mayer's has a line that I've been singing in my head quite a lot lately. He sings, "Your faith is strong/ but I can only fall short for so long". While those lyrics want to ring true in my head and my heart, God's response to those words commands my attention.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. Because it is by grace we have been saved through Christ, the hope of glory.

And the truth of that....... makes me smile.

Like a Prayer

It's been interesting lately.

For a while, I have wanted to increase my prayer life. I felt I was always so selfish in my prayers, always thinking about myself and rarely remembering the prayers of others.

And please know I still have a LONG way to go on this. But it has been fun because more and more lately, if someone is on the phone with me, talking about issues / hard struggles, I almost ALWAYS feel the nudge to pray for them before getting off the phone. So, 9 times out of 10, I do. Which is something so very new for me.

Now, I still don't do a very good job of remembering them in my prayers at bedtime, but there are times when God calls them to mind during the day and I will say a quick prayer then. Still doesn't happen all the time, but I am encouraged by the fact that it is happening at all now, as opposed to prior years where I rarely prayed for others, either out loud in front of them, or in my heart alone. It is a cool, but very stretching journey.

There are more thoughts developing here, but I thought for now I would share the prayers that God has answered in helping me deepen my prayer life. Ha. He answered prayers about prayer.

What a good God. :)

Angel

Gail and I just were sitting here watching a little Anderson Cooper when a commercial for the ASPCA comes on. The ASPCA is the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercial starts with a soft piano and the sweet voice of Sarah McLachlan singing her song "Angel". As the song progresses, photos of abused and mangled animals are shown on screen with statistics of how many each day are mistreated. In no way was it an "in your face" commercial, but rather effective and moving. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks and an ache in my heart, wondering what I would ever do if my little buddy Buster were hurt like that. As the commercial drew to a close, I looked at Gail with a lump in my throat, tears brimming, and thoughts running through as my head like, "I should have been a vet technician so I could help these animals!" and "I can't believe someone could be so cruel and heartless!" As the last note hung of the song hung in the air and the last picture faded, she looked at me with indifference and yelled, "AM I MADE OF STONE?!?"

Not a single tear. No remorse. The girl was unaffected. Maybe I should rethink my plans next time I leave for the weekend, placing Buster in her care.

Check the commercial out here. Let it be a test for you. Do you have a heart? Or are you like Gail?

Not To Us

I tried to find a good picture to fit the theme for this post, which is God's Blessings. I couldn't really find anything I liked, but I did stumble across this guy's picture. His last name is apparently Blessing. So I thought, why not? Anyway, moving on....

A lot of times when I feel the Lord prompting me to do something, I procrastinate. Especially if it is something I am not excited about, something that requires me to humble myself, something that asks me to put others before myself, something that says I must lay down my pride and simply trust him. All of this is typically very hard for me and it takes a while of knowing what I should do before I actually act. And once the decision has been made to be faithful to Him in His request of me, I make myself feel better by thinking that following His desires will a) make me feel better and b) fix everything.

That is not always the case.

What if the Lord requires something from me, something I don't want to do, simply because it brings Him glory? What if I won't feel better? What if it doesn't fix everything? What if the results actually make me feel a little worse than I did before I acted? If I knew all this before hand, would I still be faithful to His calling?

Probably not.

I think sometimes we have such a desire to be blessed that we assume that everything the Lord asks us to do will shower immediate grace and blessings. And sometimes, that is simply not the case. Sometimes, the very thing we are most afraid of happening is exactly what the Lord brings about after we follow his prompting. (Something Jonah experienced great frustration over.)

Does that mean He is any less God?

No.

Does that mean we are any less loved?

Not at all.

Does that mean his desires to bless us are failing?

Never in a million years.

However, knowing these answers, these truths, does it make any of this easier?

Unfortunately not.

BUT, dear friends, in the long run, is it worth it?

Absolutely.

I have loved Hebrews 12 for quite a while now, but something that's just stuck with me recently is how it talks about when we submit to the Lord's discipline, it allows our spirits to live. Going through these trials, these testers.... it is so that a "harvest of righteousness" can be fostered within us so that we continuously grow in His love, reflecting His glory.

And THAT, my friends, is a blessing worth holding onto. Even when I don't feel the blessing for being faithful in the moment, I can rest in God's promise that through my trust, through my obedience, through my steadfastness to His commands, my life, my future, my spirit has been blessed. Praise the Lord for His unfailing love!

:)

Sound of Silence

So, it has been a while since I've written. Were it not for comments from my sisters, I'm not sure I would be writing now. One of those things where there's much on the mind, but little to say.

I just got back from a weekend retreat with my family in Colorado. It was such a relaxing and nice weekend. Definitely too short, but what can you do. Duty calls. And I have no vacation time to stay longer. So I came home, even though my family is still basking in the Glory of God's best. It's OK, though. They miss me and wish I were there. I'd rather have people missing me and wanting me to be around, than looking at me and wishing I weren't. Human nature, I suppose. And while I was there, I got to see the sunrise from a mountain top surrounded only by nature, go swimming in a glacier-fed lake at over 10,000 feet, and spend lots of quality time with family and friends. Well worth the trip indeed.

One of the great quandaries of the christian life, from my perspective, is the question of purpose. Why am I here? What gifts do I have? How can I use those gifts and desires to bring the most glory to God? On a day to day basis, how do I keep my heart and mind in step with what He desires for me?

Several months back, I found myself at my desk praying a fairly odd prayer. I had been reading an article about an escaped prisoner from the LRA. While reading, I felt compelled to pray for something. Reading the article didn't give me a passion to go help with the escape of current captives, nor did it give me a desire to go provide ministry to the former captives trying to restore to whatever normalcy there is left to life. I did, however, feel compelled to pray for a platform. Much like that of Bono. A platform where I can call attention to the issues, inspire others to get involved, and encourage those who are already serving in a trained capacity to release the prisoners from the darkness. And before long, I felt myself praying, "Lord, if one day I am nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, that would be fantastic. Not because I want the recognition and not because I want the honor, but rather because I want to know that I have made that large of an impact for your Kingdom. I want to be used for your glory."

And then, I realized what I said, kind of laughed, and thought, "Are you kidding me? Who does that? Who prays to win a Nobel Peace Prize?"

Apparently the same girl who used to pray to be the next Virgin Mary, giving birth to Jesus. (I had major confusion when I heard Jesus was coming back and thought that meant he would be born again to another Virgin. The confusion has since been cleared and the prayer retracted.) :)

Regardless, this is the question I find welling up within myself every single day. And I haven't the slightest of clues as to what the answer is. I will not lie. I feel as though there is a distinct calling on my life for the Ministry. And I believe the Lord is going to use me, quite possibly, in some very large ways. But how do I go about figuring out how, and when, and through what? And how much longer till this (often painful) time of preparation subsides?

Starting in September, I will be taking classes through Vineyard Leadership Institute on the worship track and doing a pastoral internship with our worship pastor. I have been leading more and more which I find great joy and peace in. And quite honestly, it is something I thought I would never ever do. Maybe because it took me 4 years before I could even sing and play at the same time. I love youth kids and I love speaking, but music.... worship brings me LIFE. So, for the time being, that is what I am pursuing. I recognize I don't have the best guitar skills or the most polished voice. But man. My HEART.... it just desires to worship the Lord. Bottom line. That's all I want. And I trust that the Lord will use that to bring honor and glory to Him.

How's that for total disclosure on a midday lunch break?