Sound of Silence

So, it has been a while since I've written. Were it not for comments from my sisters, I'm not sure I would be writing now. One of those things where there's much on the mind, but little to say.

I just got back from a weekend retreat with my family in Colorado. It was such a relaxing and nice weekend. Definitely too short, but what can you do. Duty calls. And I have no vacation time to stay longer. So I came home, even though my family is still basking in the Glory of God's best. It's OK, though. They miss me and wish I were there. I'd rather have people missing me and wanting me to be around, than looking at me and wishing I weren't. Human nature, I suppose. And while I was there, I got to see the sunrise from a mountain top surrounded only by nature, go swimming in a glacier-fed lake at over 10,000 feet, and spend lots of quality time with family and friends. Well worth the trip indeed.

One of the great quandaries of the christian life, from my perspective, is the question of purpose. Why am I here? What gifts do I have? How can I use those gifts and desires to bring the most glory to God? On a day to day basis, how do I keep my heart and mind in step with what He desires for me?

Several months back, I found myself at my desk praying a fairly odd prayer. I had been reading an article about an escaped prisoner from the LRA. While reading, I felt compelled to pray for something. Reading the article didn't give me a passion to go help with the escape of current captives, nor did it give me a desire to go provide ministry to the former captives trying to restore to whatever normalcy there is left to life. I did, however, feel compelled to pray for a platform. Much like that of Bono. A platform where I can call attention to the issues, inspire others to get involved, and encourage those who are already serving in a trained capacity to release the prisoners from the darkness. And before long, I felt myself praying, "Lord, if one day I am nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize, that would be fantastic. Not because I want the recognition and not because I want the honor, but rather because I want to know that I have made that large of an impact for your Kingdom. I want to be used for your glory."

And then, I realized what I said, kind of laughed, and thought, "Are you kidding me? Who does that? Who prays to win a Nobel Peace Prize?"

Apparently the same girl who used to pray to be the next Virgin Mary, giving birth to Jesus. (I had major confusion when I heard Jesus was coming back and thought that meant he would be born again to another Virgin. The confusion has since been cleared and the prayer retracted.) :)

Regardless, this is the question I find welling up within myself every single day. And I haven't the slightest of clues as to what the answer is. I will not lie. I feel as though there is a distinct calling on my life for the Ministry. And I believe the Lord is going to use me, quite possibly, in some very large ways. But how do I go about figuring out how, and when, and through what? And how much longer till this (often painful) time of preparation subsides?

Starting in September, I will be taking classes through Vineyard Leadership Institute on the worship track and doing a pastoral internship with our worship pastor. I have been leading more and more which I find great joy and peace in. And quite honestly, it is something I thought I would never ever do. Maybe because it took me 4 years before I could even sing and play at the same time. I love youth kids and I love speaking, but music.... worship brings me LIFE. So, for the time being, that is what I am pursuing. I recognize I don't have the best guitar skills or the most polished voice. But man. My HEART.... it just desires to worship the Lord. Bottom line. That's all I want. And I trust that the Lord will use that to bring honor and glory to Him.

How's that for total disclosure on a midday lunch break?