Crossroads
This morning as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I pulled out a book that I apparently have begun to read in the past. I say apparently because there was a business card placed about 10-15 pages in that I had used as a bookmark. When this bookmark fell out, it gave me pause. More than that, really. Time stood frozen as I stared at a picture on my wall, memories swirling in my head and desires stirring in my heart.
The bookmark was a reminder for an appointment to take my grandma to the doctor on August 3, 2006. That appointment would lead to be one of the most frustrating / uncomfortable hours of my life. Immediately after returning home from the appointment, I went on about an hour walk and just cried the whole time, stopping only to pick up flowers for Grandma from Cookseys.
That day would be the last day my grandma would ever spend in her home. That night would be the last night I would ever tuck her into bed and hear her speak of how much she loved me and how blessed she was by my presence. The next day, I sat on the couch with uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. My grandma had gone into what we thought was diabetic shock but would later find out was really kidney failure. In the midst of the confusing phone calls, the attempts to get medicine in her, the shattering quiet in the house, I did all I knew. I got out my guitar and played. I wanted to sing, but I couldn't.
I sat there in that room, just me and her, and I played for her. As I played, I prayed. At one point, she came to and looked over at me and said, "Honey, are you playing me a song?" I nodded my head and she said, "It sure is pretty." Then she turned her head and faded back out. The last she would ever see of her earthly home was through the back door windows of an ambulance. I praise God she truly is at home now.
Ironically, the book the card fell out of is a book called Chasing Daylight. It's a book about seizing your divine moment; living out the dreams in your heart and making your life matter. Sometimes, I just simply cannot shake the feeling that I am meant for so much more. At the time the appointment reminder was written, I fully believed I would be living an indeterminable amount of time in Arkansas caring for and living with my grandma. My plans were changed. I praise the Lord that I was with her during the last week she would spend in her home.
Right now, I'm at a junction. I can either play it safe and live a comfortable, yet unfulfilling and unexciting life. Or I can take advantage of the place I am in life, throw caution to the wind, and go for my dreams. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure what that would entail. But I do know there is a stirring, a calling so deep in my soul that sitting at a computer all day simply does not answer. How do you decide between the thought that you're being foolish and the thought that you're taking a leap of faith? That you're daring to dream the possibilities God has for you and while leaving behind the known may not appear wise, it's truly a relinquishment of control and allowance of God to work in ways He couldn't if you only stood still.
Oh, I have no idea. Is it time for a dramatic change? Or do I simply need to be faithful with the things I have been given right now and wait for the right opportunity, where risk isn't so heavily involved? Why, when I think I finally have things figured out, do I always get thrown for a loop?
hmmm. Lots of thoughts going on inside this little head of mine. Unfortunately for my employer, very little of them are work related. Technically speaking.
The bookmark was a reminder for an appointment to take my grandma to the doctor on August 3, 2006. That appointment would lead to be one of the most frustrating / uncomfortable hours of my life. Immediately after returning home from the appointment, I went on about an hour walk and just cried the whole time, stopping only to pick up flowers for Grandma from Cookseys.
That day would be the last day my grandma would ever spend in her home. That night would be the last night I would ever tuck her into bed and hear her speak of how much she loved me and how blessed she was by my presence. The next day, I sat on the couch with uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. My grandma had gone into what we thought was diabetic shock but would later find out was really kidney failure. In the midst of the confusing phone calls, the attempts to get medicine in her, the shattering quiet in the house, I did all I knew. I got out my guitar and played. I wanted to sing, but I couldn't.
I sat there in that room, just me and her, and I played for her. As I played, I prayed. At one point, she came to and looked over at me and said, "Honey, are you playing me a song?" I nodded my head and she said, "It sure is pretty." Then she turned her head and faded back out. The last she would ever see of her earthly home was through the back door windows of an ambulance. I praise God she truly is at home now.
Ironically, the book the card fell out of is a book called Chasing Daylight. It's a book about seizing your divine moment; living out the dreams in your heart and making your life matter. Sometimes, I just simply cannot shake the feeling that I am meant for so much more. At the time the appointment reminder was written, I fully believed I would be living an indeterminable amount of time in Arkansas caring for and living with my grandma. My plans were changed. I praise the Lord that I was with her during the last week she would spend in her home.
Right now, I'm at a junction. I can either play it safe and live a comfortable, yet unfulfilling and unexciting life. Or I can take advantage of the place I am in life, throw caution to the wind, and go for my dreams. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure what that would entail. But I do know there is a stirring, a calling so deep in my soul that sitting at a computer all day simply does not answer. How do you decide between the thought that you're being foolish and the thought that you're taking a leap of faith? That you're daring to dream the possibilities God has for you and while leaving behind the known may not appear wise, it's truly a relinquishment of control and allowance of God to work in ways He couldn't if you only stood still.
Oh, I have no idea. Is it time for a dramatic change? Or do I simply need to be faithful with the things I have been given right now and wait for the right opportunity, where risk isn't so heavily involved? Why, when I think I finally have things figured out, do I always get thrown for a loop?
hmmm. Lots of thoughts going on inside this little head of mine. Unfortunately for my employer, very little of them are work related. Technically speaking.
posted by BJ at 12:01 PM
1 Comments:
One thing to remember...God is in the mundane. He makes anything sacred. Even our "wildest dreams" will have mundane moments. The trick is to look for God in the everyday monotony...that is where he is alive and well.
If you are chasing excitement for excitement's sake, I fear you will be disappointed. If you are chasing the Lord himself...that is where the adventure trully begins--whether in front of a computer screen, file cabinet or a mountain. Just another perspective from someone who is seeing God in the everyday for the first time in my life...(and the places he has shown up do not have "christian" labels)
love to you my friend!
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